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25 January 2002 I'm starting to get the hang of this, I think. The show at the Canvas last Thursday went uncannily well. I fretted over the butterflies all day and the whole drive up to San Francisco, but when I climbed out of the car and started loading in my gear, calmness took over. The guys were joking around and moving equipment everywhere, just as they usually do at practice, and I found the spectacle oddly comforting for some reason. They didn't look worried, and suddenly all that anxiety seemed a tad silly. I shrugged to myself and unpacked my keyboard. What surprised me most, though, was how on I was all night, and the rest of the band too. I'm not often on for an entire show. I have a kind of inner gauge that monitors my body during performances, helping me decide whether to go for that long high note, the rapid arpeggios, any risky part of a given song. It can usually tell when I'm not quite at the top of my game. When I sense its warning signals I try to play it safe, choosing hushed phrasings and stripped-down piano parts and generally following the original arrangement as much as possible. I don't trust myself, so I stick to the failproof stuff. But there were no warning signals last Thursday. I could sing whatever I wanted to try, play any idea that came to mind. There's no better feeling than that sense of freedom on stage, let me tell you. I felt that I could finally give the audience everything I had, everything I meant in the songs I was singing, and hear it come across exactly the way I intended. That lift in the second chorus of Falling...the slow groove of Rain In England...the rhythmic shifts in In My Arrival...the guys fell into each song with an effortlessness that only comes with diligence and intuition, and all I had to do was follow their collective train of thought. Very fun. There's a certain kind of beauty, a level of artistry, that I strive for -- a certain kind of performer that I want eventually to become. I think I touched it briefly that night. I like how it feels. - VT
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